I recently started watching Xena again after a long period of not seeing it. And I also blogged about it in a non-fandom area, and somehow got sucked into the whole text vs. sub-text argument all over again. It brought back so many upsetting memories for me of the ugly fights the two camps would get into years ago about whether or not Gabrielle and Xena were "more than friends." (Just for the record, let me state I feel the only reasonable answer to that question is DUH, of course they were.)

Then today I was reading someone's Queer as Folk LiveJournal, and they made a comment with which I disagree - not a novel experience, I often read interpretations of this and other shows, movies, and books that differ from mine. But for some reason, this one really got into my head and threw me, personally, off balance, in much the way the recent text/sub-text argument did on the political blog.



The comment was that they didn't feel that the actors portraying Justin and Brian ever "showed the lurve" again after season 2, and in fact, that it was the intention of the writers and actors that we feel that way, that in the mind of the writers, the love was gone and the next three years were MEANT to show two people no longer in love. I simply don't agree, no point in arguing it... Leaving out season 5 since I've never seen it, I definitely "felt the lurve" in Seasons 3 and 4 and while I do agree Randy Harrison clearly began to object to being a piece of blond boy ass on the show and not exactly give it his all ... for which I both do and don't blame him ... Gale Harold never stopped doing a great job as Brian and while I HATED S4, it had nothing to do with the Brian/Justin relationship and everything to do with the idiots who produced the show (Pink Posse, Lindsay and Sam, Liberty Ride, Rage the Movie, Ben's jealousy... gawd, do I have to go on?).

But why do the opinions of other people ABOUT TELEVISION SHOWS upset me and make me feel unsettled and anxious on a personal level, as if something in MY LIFE were being disrupted or disputed or challenged? Do I just need a shrink? Because political stuff about societal homophobia aside, let's face it, Xena and Gabrielle can't "really" be lesbians or not BECAUSE XENA AND GABRIELLE ARE NOT REAL. Brian and Justin can't "really" be in love or not, because BRIAN AND JUSTIN ARE NOT REAL. This has to be about ME, not them, since I am real and they aren't. Right?

These are the only two shows I've ever watched where I feel like the characters are somehow part of me or of my life. I guess that's what makes someone a fandom-fan instead of just oh yeah, I really like that show. They get into you in a very particular way, or maybe you simply identify with them. I mean, I REALLY loved the West Wing, Cagney and Lacey, NYPD Blue, and early ER, but I was never a "fan" the way I am of QAF and Xena. I'd even say I like West Wing better than QAF as a TV show, but I don't spend ten seconds thinking about CJ Craig or Josh when the show isn't on, know what I mean?

I commented somewhere today that I always hate seeing the character of Brian brought to his knees emotionally; like Michael, I prefer Brian shameless and unapologetic. And there is absolutely no question I felt the same about Xena.



One of my favorite moments in the Xenaverse is when she was being driven insane by the Furies for having supposedly failed to avenge the death of her father, who was killed by her mother. The whole thing was really engineered by Ares, the God of War, who is always trying to get Xena back to the Dark Side with him. Xena is in the temple of the Furies, about to kill her mother which will supposedly free her from being driven insane, when she asks the Furies how she can be punished for not avenging the death of her father when he's STILL ALIVE, and then turns wildly on Ares and says, "Isn't that right, DADDY?" I knew at that moment, insane or not, mad-eyed or not, the girl had a plan. I like that in a woman.

I'm going to guess it's not Xena or Brian, but the part of me that identifies with them, that I don't like seeing brought to her knees. And maybe that's why sometimes opinions very different than mine on certain core issues (that unfortunately I can't seem to identify in advance, LOL) make me feel as if a part of my own identity were being challenged. And thus I worry I need a shrink.

Oh lord, I'm just going to stop watching television. I'm not well. ;)