When I was 14, I fell in love with a very tortured, talented girl who ended up a heroin addict and a prostitute. This post isn't really about her. It's about me. But in order to get to the part about me, a little more about her.

She was a musician -- ironically, fandom things considered, a classically trained violinist as well as a painter. Kind of a hybrid of Justin and Ethan, LOL. Scary, right? She ended up forming a punk rock band that had some success until drugs caused it to implode the very week they signed a record deal with one of the top labels of the time for punk/new wave/alternative music. (They already had a record deal with another, smaller punk label -- but this was a HUGE break.)

I was their manager, which yes, usually is just a courtesy title for the lead singer's girlfriend, but I did actually manage them, being as how I'm a control freak and everything. And when not even my superhuman co-dependence could hold the band together, I finally realized the absolute futility of trying to "fix" junkies, and made the decision to walk away from her and try to get my life and my self back. I was 21.

It took me two years, but I got off drugs and alcohol myself, just in time to experience the newly-exploding AIDS epidemic and the loss of dozens of my friends without any form of emotional anesthesia. My timing is just awesome like that.

Anyway, however much I tried to evict her from my brain, to get back all the psychic real estate I'd deeded over to her, I've never been able to get rid of one legacy of that seven-year highly dysfunctional relationship: I am the world's biggest music snob.

After her, I mean.

I wish I could just listen to music and decide if it's interesting, beautiful, fun, enjoyable... whatever. But I don't, because first I have to ask myself it's cool enough for her. And since I apparently, deep down, have a romantical and even schmoopy streak a mile wide, every now and then something I really, really love flunks that test.

And when it does, it ends up on a super sekrti playlist on my iPod called "Just Embarrassing."

And so today I was cleaning my kitchen with the music blasting at top volume, and I felt a sudden need to be singing along to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" at the top of my lungs. So I did.

And I thought, you know, this is actually a pretty decent song. Histrionic and over-produced, but fuck... I bet relatively few people who've ever heard it can't bring it to mind.

So here's my "Just embarrassing" playlist... and listen, if some of your favorite music is on there, yeah, I know it looks like I'm calling you uncool. But it's not me... it's that girl I fell in love with when I was 14 years old.

Desperado - Linda Ronstadt
Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler
The Rose - Bette Midler
Harper Valley P.T.A. - Jeanne C. Hall
Different Drum - Linda Ronstadt
Careless Whisper - George Michael
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go - Wham!
Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me - George Michael & Elton John
Stop Draggin' My Heart Around - Stevie Nicks & Tom Petty
Leather and Lace - Stevie Nicks & Don Henley
The Highwayman - Stevie Nicks

And the number one most embarrassing song on my entire iPod:

I've Never Been to Me by Charlene, from Priscilla, Queen of the Desert!

So, what about you? Do you love any songs you are a little embarrassed to admit liking? You can tell me!